So I was perusing the indie games on Xbox Live Marketplace, and I stumbled upon this strange game. So immediately the "what the fuck" alarm was roaring like a fog horn in my ear, but I wanted to give this game a chance before I blindly shit all over it. So I clicked on the description to find out more:
"This game was classified by the community with the following category scores - Violence=0/3, Sex=3/3, Mature Content=0/3. Massage yourself or make a massage party stimulating each other. Easy create and save your own customized massage ! Play it automatically. Manually change intensity, speed and playtime in desired moment. Available 23 hot & nice massages to please you. It will change your pad into unlimited vibrating toy !"
Wait, what? Besides their lack of respect for the English language, this game is fucked. Let's break some things down that bother me here, shall we?
1- The description - Right off the bat, did anyone bother to proofread this piece of shit description prior to being released? If I am not mistaken, aren't "Indie Games" from aspiring game developers trying to make it big? If that is the case, then these morons at "Holographic Dreams" are blowing an opportunity by sounding like dipshits here. I went to their website and was delighted to read this motto, "We create games, to give people fun, to have fun and make money... " Well put, assholes.
2- The rating system - Who in the hell decided that "sex=3/3" couldn't even earn a single point on the "mature content" scale? Well, let's look at what this game is about, "massage yourself or make a massage party stimulating each other". Even the cleanest of minds would snicker and laugh at a line like that. You are either sitting alone sliding the vibrating controller around your body like a creep, or actually interacting with someone else "stimulating" each other. Either way, it is fucking bizarre and probably deserves at least a one on the "mature content" scale.
3- The concept - Did Holographic Dreams forget that the vast majority of gamers are males, and this game is falling on deaf ears, so to speak? I am no 8th grade health teacher, but I seem to think that females would overwhelmingly have more satisfaction from a game like this than a bunch of guys.
4- The social consequences of owning a game like this - Can you even imagine the satisfaction you could get from walking in on a friend "playing" this game? At worst, you might get to see that the person forgot to go "offline" and his friend status said he was playing "massage me", which is still worth something.
5- Who the fuck is Holographic Dreams? - When you visit their website, they have 3 games listed. The first game is essentially one of avoidance (like this). Alright, simple and innocent. The second game is called "Christmas Tree 3D" which allows the player to decorate a 3D Christmas tree. Great, extremely simple and very innocent. Then, out of nowhere, Holographic Dreams drops a bombshell in the form of a sexual Xbox 360 game. Rub yourself! Rub others! Rub everyone together! Whoa, hold the fucking phone! A second ago I was reveling in the majesty of Christmas memories of old, and now I am getting a fucking reach around with an Xbox controller? Call me crazy, but I think I will pass.
Anyway, I obviously don't approve of this game since I think it is a waste of time, but I guess it is interesting and unique enough for me to write something about it... so congrats on that Holographic Dreams.
Not much else to say, besides What the Fuck.
SC
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http://www.joystiq.com/2010/04/19/unofficial-super-smash-bros-brawl-rebalancing-update-released/
ReplyDelete^^ lol wut? guess i'm going to have to drive down so we can relive all of those hours of brawl boys... this time without the meta knight crying?
Not to shit in your boots, Clyde, but there's this PS2 game (now on XBLA) called Rez that was like a cross between Star Fox 64 and a rhythm game. There was a peripheral for the PS2 version called the Trance Vibrator. I'll link an article below, but it was basically a vibrator. For vaginas (Mozilla is telling me I misspelled "vaginas"...but not "Mozilla"). Anyway, the 360 version has a feature that lets you use a second controller that doesn't give any input but vibrates along with the first player controller. The makers of Massage Me have been beaten to the market by a game that actually stands pretty well on its own without giving your girl friend good vibrations.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.gamegirladvance.com/archives/2002/10/26/sex_in_games_rezvibrator.html
I didn't say anything about them being the first. What I said is, this game is awkward and creepy.
ReplyDeleteIf you are trying to lock on to my 3rd point, I still think it stands.