Daily Dose of WTF

So I was perusing the indie games on Xbox Live Marketplace, and I stumbled upon this strange game. So immediately the "what the fuck" alarm was roaring like a fog horn in my ear, but I wanted to give this game a chance before I blindly shit all over it. So I clicked on the description to find out more:

"This game was classified by the community with the following category scores - Violence=0/3, Sex=3/3, Mature Content=0/3. Massage yourself or make a massage party stimulating each other. Easy create and save your own customized massage ! Play it automatically. Manually change intensity, speed and playtime in desired moment. Available 23 hot & nice massages to please you. It will change your pad into unlimited vibrating toy !"

Wait, what? Besides their lack of respect for the English language, this game is fucked. Let's break some things down that bother me here, shall we?

1- The description - Right off the bat, did anyone bother to proofread this piece of shit description prior to being released? If I am not mistaken, aren't "Indie Games" from aspiring game developers trying to make it big? If that is the case, then these morons at "Holographic Dreams" are blowing an opportunity by sounding like dipshits here. I went to their website and was delighted to read this motto, "We create games, to give people fun, to have fun and make money... " Well put, assholes.

2- The rating system - Who in the hell decided that "sex=3/3" couldn't even earn a single point on the "mature content" scale? Well, let's look at what this game is about, "massage yourself or make a massage party stimulating each other". Even the cleanest of minds would snicker and laugh at a line like that. You are either sitting alone sliding the vibrating controller around your body like a creep, or actually interacting with someone else "stimulating" each other. Either way, it is fucking bizarre and probably deserves at least a one on the "mature content" scale.

3- The concept - Did Holographic Dreams forget that the vast majority of gamers are males, and this game is falling on deaf ears, so to speak? I am no 8th grade health teacher, but I seem to think that females would overwhelmingly have more satisfaction from a game like this than a bunch of guys.

4- The social consequences of owning a game like this - Can you even imagine the satisfaction you could get from walking in on a friend "playing" this game? At worst, you might get to see that the person forgot to go "offline" and his friend status said he was playing "massage me", which is still worth something.

5- Who the fuck is Holographic Dreams? - When you visit their website, they have 3 games listed. The first game is essentially one of avoidance (like this). Alright, simple and innocent. The second game is called "Christmas Tree 3D" which allows the player to decorate a 3D Christmas tree. Great, extremely simple and very innocent. Then, out of nowhere, Holographic Dreams drops a bombshell in the form of a sexual Xbox 360 game. Rub yourself! Rub others! Rub everyone together! Whoa, hold the fucking phone! A second ago I was reveling in the majesty of Christmas memories of old, and now I am getting a fucking reach around with an Xbox controller? Call me crazy, but I think I will pass.


Anyway, I obviously don't approve of this game since I think it is a waste of time, but I guess it is interesting and unique enough for me to write something about it... so congrats on that Holographic Dreams.

Not much else to say, besides What the Fuck.

SC

Top 10: What the Hell Were They Thinking?

I like lists, so I'll be doing top 10 lists every so often. This edition is about some of the all-time fuck-ups in game design for this current generation (Otherwise the QB Vision Cone would be on here...possibly twice). Note that something like "The Javelin Glitch" won't be on this list, because there wasn't some fart-knocker over at IW who thought it'd be fun to sneak that into the code. It wasn't a design decision. So, here we go: a list of some shit that broke the game, some shit that was unfair, some infuriatin' shit, and shit that's just dumbfounding.

10. Brutal Legend-> Roadies
I know a lot people probably didn't play this game (let alone played it online), but let me run down the basics. It's an RTS (Schafer is lying to you) where the only way you can win is by destroying the enemy's stage, which is their only non-defense-tower building. Only one unit in the game (which belongs to one of three factions) is anti-building: the Roadie. The roadie is also the only unit that is invisible unless you are close to it. It's an invisible unit, which destroys your base quickly. Yeah, sounds balanced, right?

9. Mass Effect-> The Mako
Holy shit, I hated the Mako and I'm so glad they completely axed it for the far superior sequel. Trying to drive that jalopy over mountainous terrain was about as entertaining as rubbing my knuckles against sandpaper.

8. Grand Theft Auto IV-> Entertaining Friends
I'll never understand how this game got such a high metacritic score. You had your whiney, needy, backstabbing "friends" calling you every three damned seconds to insist that you go bowling or dart throwing or mini golfing (oh, wait, the mini golf course was just a prop), and they'd bitch and moan if you couldn't shake the cops in your greased up Admiral (more on that later) in time to satiate their spontaneous demands. Then, you finally pick up your annoying cousin or that incomprehensible Jamaican dude and when you finally get to the bowling alley, you find yourself spending 15 agonizing minutes playing a minigame that wouldn't make the cut in Fuzion Frenzy.

7. Halo Wars-> Prophet Rush
It is nearly impossible to beat a Prophet of Regret rush in 1v1 or 2v2 if you're using the UNSC. Even if you do possess the skill to fend off the rush, it takes way, way, way more time, effort, resources, and skill to defeat the rush than to execute it. I know they've nerfed the Prohpet by making him slower, but it's still a pain in the ass. Why the hell does he get an overshield? At least make him upgrade once or twice before you make him the only leader with auto-regenerating health.

6. Modern Warfare 2-> Akimbo Shotguns
I think anyone who's played Mod2 (and there are a lot of you) know exactly what I'm talking about. Sure, Akimbo made sense for SMGs and pistols because those are guns that lose significant accuracy when hip-fired, but who aims down sight with a shotgun? Ever? It just doubled the effectiveness of an already effective gun. That first patch couldn't come fast enough.

5. Call of Duty: World at War-> Bouncing Betties
The very first time I my head got blown off by one of these little bastards, I was dumbfounded. Where the hell did that explosion come from. I then sat back, stupified, as I watched the killcam show a nearly-invisible mine hop right out of the ground and explode in my face. It was from that moment on that I realized that World at War was not a game I would enjoy. Now, before you say, "Just put on Bombsquad," let me say this: fuck you. Don't defend them.

4. Gears of War 2-> Grenade Planting
I talked about this in my Rules for Shooters. A lot of people complained in the first Gears that it was too easy to get kills by grenade-tagging, so they responded to that in the sequel by letting you grenade tag EVERYTHING. The best part is that before they patched the game 30 times, the planted grenades were nearly impossible to shoot down if you did luck into seeing one before it killed you, and any douchebag running around the map controlling the 'nade spawns could actually plant infinite grenades. How the hell does it not occur to you that some douche is going to just plant a grenade next to grenade spawn and then run around planting grenades all over the damn map? They didn't even disappear when you die, so every game of Annex turned into a damned minefield. Ugh, terrible. To make matters worse, some maps had rotating weapon spawns that switched between frag and ink grenades and one team would get frags every time while the other was always stuck with inks (they patched that quickly, but what an inexcusable oversight). They have since patched the game numerous times so that a player can only have two active mines at a time and they're slightly easier to shoot down (although it still takes multiple shots for some reason). It's an improvement, but I would still prefer this feature be removed entirely.

3. Grand Theft Auto IV-> "Realistic" Car Physics
Hey, remember in GTA: Vice City when it so entertaining to just drive around in a Comet or a Cheetah and e-brake your way around every turn? Remember in GTA IV the first time you tried to e-brake around a turn, and the car went careening uncontrollably into the nearest pole, and then you went flying out the windshield, and a cop ran up and busted your ass on the spot? Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it? I looked "realistic" up in the dictionary, and this may shock the folks over at Rockstar North, but "fun" was not listed as a synonym. Also, Niko, buckle your seat belt. Not that hard.

2. Gears of War 2-> Smoke Grenade Stuns
I mentioned this in my rules post, but yeah, the 2 second rag doll effect was awful. The worst part is that it was inconsistent, too. Get stunned on some stairs and your floppy ass is gonna slowly slide all the way down while Cole Train patiently follows you down so he can chainsaw-domize you as soon as you get up. I actually remember wondering why they didn't just use the same animation they used for when your teammate hit you with a mortar. It only took them about a year to figure that one out.

1. Super Smash Bros. Brawl-> Random Tripping
Here we are, folks. The most mind-boggling design decision of all time: random tripping. I'm really not even sure what to say about it. I guess it's supposed to be some sort of rubber band system for leveling the playing field, but why can't I at least turn it off? I'm really just dumbfounded by this one. It's just so profoundly stupid. I guess I can postulate as to how the idea came up in a meeting:

"Alright guys, we've already taken away wave dashing to make sure our game is less fun for the people who will play it the longest, but I'm still worried our game is too good. We certainly want these people to buy our game, but we can't offer downloadable content on the Wii, so we need them to get bored with the game and buy Wii Fit. Any ideas?"
"We could take Mario out of the game."
"No, we need them to still buy it in the first place."
"Let's have the guys who compiled the soundtrack for Sonic Adventure 2 do the game music."
"No, no, the soundtrack really is a purchasing incentive for a nostalgia-based game like this."
"I got it. Let's make people trip randomly like they slipped on one of Diddy's bananas."
"My God, Jusaka-san, you've done it! It's perfect! It won't keep anyone from buying the game, and the hardcore players who buy a lot games in the first place will be infuriated by such a blatant random event! Fellas, crack open the sake and break out the hentai!"

The reason this is number 1 is because out of every fuck-up on this list, this is the only one where I really can't imagine any reason a sane person would include this in the game. It's not a balance oversight, it's not there to show off any sort of techno-babble, and it's not supposed to simulate something observed in real-life (maybe Bugs Bunny cartoons). I really just don't know what the fuck they were thinking.

--Chilly P