Top 10: Other Realms and Media

As our readers are most likely aware, I love making top 10 lists. There's just something so authoritative, so definite, so...well, arrogant about making top 5, 10, 50, whatever lists that I just can't get enough of them. Nothing will fully suck away my Saturday afternoon more than getting caught up watching a 5 hour top 100 countdown on VH1. I even watched their Top 100 child stars even though I'd never watched Diff'rent Strokes or Punky Brewster or The Partridge Family or half the garbage those kids were from. It didn't matter that I couldn't tell Corey Haim from Corey Feldman, I was wrapped up in it. One of my favorite writers, ESPN's Matthew Berry, will periodically do a "Ten Lists of Ten" article containing 7 or 8 fantasy-relevant lists with a few "Favorite Fantasy Team Names" or "Favorite Movie One-Liners" sprinkled in for good measure. With that in mind, here are some top ten lists that I'm going to come up with on the spot. Unlike Rolling Stone magazine's recent top 500 songs of all time, these are not meticulously thought out. I'm just going to go with my gut instinct. Feel free argue or agree with me, or even give a random top 10 of your own. Anyway, without further ado, here are nine lists of ten...because I'll let Matthew Berry be one better than me.

Top Ten Rock Songs of All Time
1. A Day in the Life - The Beatles
2. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
3. Free Bird - Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. All Along the Watchtower - The Jimi Hendrix Experience*
5. Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones
6. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
7. Baba O'Riley - The Who
8. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys
9. Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
10. More Than a Feeling - Boston

Top Ten 2009 Best Picture Nominees
1. District 9
2. The Hurt Locker
3. Up in the Air
4. Inglourious Basterds
5. Avatar
6. The Blind Side
7. Up
8. An Education**
9. Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire**
10. A Serious Man

Top Ten TV Shows of All Time***
1. LOST
2. South Park
3. Arrested Development
4. Breaking Bad
5. Seinfeld
6. 30 Rock
7. Dexter
8. Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
9. The Wire
10. House, M.D.

Top Ten South Park Episodes
1. "Towelie"
2. "The Succubus"
3. "Asspen"
4. "Scott Tenorman Must Die"
5. "All About Mormons"
6. "Major Boobage"
7. "Butters' Very Own Episode"
8. "Trapped in the Closet"
9. "Gnomes"
10. "Manbearpig"

Top Ten iPhone Apps in the App Store
1. geoDefense
2. Words with Friends
3. Shazam
4. IMDb
5. Tap Tap Revenge: Lady GaGa
6. Wikipanion
7. Scramble 2
8. Pandora
9. ESPN Radio
10. Vevo

Top Ten Fantasy Football Players to Draft in 2010
1. Yeah
2. Right
3. Like
4. I'd
5. Tell
6. My
7. Competitors
8. My
9. Draft
10. Strategy

Top Ten South Park Episodes That Barely Missed the Cut
1. "Pip"
2. "Child Abduction is Not Funny"
3. "Chinpokomon"
4. "Chef Aid"
5. "Spooky Fish"
6. "Jewbilee"
7. "You Got F'd in the A"
8. "Woodland Critter Christmas"
9. "Christian Rock Hard"
10. "Mecha Streisand"

My Top Ten Rock Songs of All Time Circa 2007
1. A Day in the Life - The Beatles
2. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin
3. Sympathy for the Devil - The Rolling Stones
4. Dream On - Aerosmith
5. Carry On Wayward Son - Kansas
6. Free Bird - Lyrnyrd Skynyrd
7. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys
8. I Am the Walrus - The Beatles
9. Behind Blue Eyes - The Who
10. Happiness Is a Warm Gun - The Beatles

Top Ten Movies with the Best Opening Scenes
1. The Dark Knight
2. The Matrix
3. Jurassic Park
4. Raiders of the Lost Ark
5. Pulp Fiction
6. Mission: Impossible III
7. X2: X-Men United
8. Inception
9. Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope
10. Monty Python and the Holy Grail


--Chilly P


*Yes, I know Bob Dylan originally wrote and recorded the song, but Jimi took it to a whole new level.
**Okay, I haven't actually seen these two movies yet, but I'm betting they're better than the Coen brother's befuddling A Serious Man. It wasn't bad, per se, but I just didn't get it. I doubt many Gentiles do.
***Aren't old TV shows such garbage?

Top 10: Most Disappointing Sequels

What's nice about movies is that when a sequel comes out, you can just expect it to suck. It's only once in a blue moon that an Empire Strikes Back comes out and eclipses the original. In the video game world, however, I'd say it's about a 50/50 chance that the sequel will be better than the original. Often times, even if it's not as good, it's still close. Sometimes, though, you let yourself get too excited and just set yourself up for disappointment. The following is the list of the ten sequels I found most disappointing. It's important to note that these are not all bad games, but some of them definitely are.

10. Burnout Paradise
Burnout Revenge was the first racing game not featuring turtle shells I ever played that got me hooked. It had a blinding sense of speed, physics built for fun before realism, and spectacular car wrecks. The only drawbacks were the lacking online mode, limited car models, and 2-player only local multiplayer. All I wanted for the first true next-gen Burnout was a larger variety of cars (instead of just two basic models), giant multiplayer races, and next-gen crashes. I only got one of those things (and *damn* did the crashes look good). Unfortunately, the good people at Criterion decided that we a sandbox racing game. I'm not going to lie, the game is very impressive, and there are a lot of people who like it and play it to this day. Hell, they even managed to have an in-game DJ who actually succeeds in sounding cool. I'll also give Criterion major props offering arguably the best post-release support this generation. The problem, though, is that every race just goes from point A to point B. Point A is a random stoplight and point B is one of eight cardinally-directed finish lines. The races are too short, too hard to organize, and it takes way too much memorization to stay on course. Burnout always succeeded in balls-to-the-wall racing where you always felt a little out-of-control, but the courses did a good job a directing you. When you have to quickly react to turn signals and turn down the right road, it's pretty easy to accidentally find yourself going 90 degrees in the wrong direction. Plus, having to take right turns just interrupts the flow of the race. It certainly has its great moments, but they're too short-lived and too few-and-far between.

9. Gears of War 2
If you were to pick this game up for the first time today, you might wonder why it's on this list. However, those of you who picked this up week 1 know exactly what I'm talking about: glitches and head-scratching balancing issues. Why, for the love of everything holy, would you let everyone spawn with a stun grenade that ragdolls players for 2 agonizing seconds? Why would you let ragdoll physics impact the outcome of each confrontation and why would you stun someone that long? In the heat of battle, 2 seconds is an eternity. Aside from that issue--which they've fixed--there were the unlimited and nearly indestructible grenade plants, the unbalanced weapon cycling, the broken matchmaking, the nonsensical ranking system, and the schizophrenic shotgun with a mind of its own. I'd list more, but at this point it's beating a dead horse. I've harped on this before, but the lesson here is that you should always do a beta test for a highly anticipated game. Epic got caught with their pants down big time.

8. Resident Evil 5
This is another game that wasn't necessarily bad, just not as good as I'd hoped. Resident Evil 4 was the critically-acclaimed and 100% bitchin' revamp that the series desperately needed. The big thing that game accomplished was being smooth. It was an incredibly well-crafted experience from beginning to end, which stood in stark contrast to its clumsy predecessors. RE5 kept RE4's revamped control scheme, but added back a healthy dose of clumsiness. The cooperative play was a nice idea, but it just didn't work particularly well. It just felt so forced, and by consequence, RE5 was stripped of a large number of the nice touches that pushed RE4 into the all-time great category. The weapon, inventory, treasure, and upgrade systems were all greatly reduced and felt naked in comparison. Not only that, but inventory was strictly limited and had to be managed in real-time. There's a reason co-op shooters don't give players inventories. On the story side, the Uroboros were way less cool than las Plagas, and while RE4 had some of the best boss fights in recent memory, RE5's boss fights ranged from dull to uninspired. Had the co-op been an in-game spin-off like Assignment Ada, the game could have been a lot better. Forcing co-op throughout the entire game (and I say "forcing" because trying to play it with an AI partner was excruciating) ended up crippling the experience.

7. Perfect Dark Zero
The current generation of games got off to a really rough start. Where Super Mario 64 and Halo: Combat Evolved let us know that their respective generations were going to take us places we'd never thought possible, Perfect Dark Zero introduced us to the Xbox 360 with a whimper. Never has the premier launch title of a hotly anticipated console sucked so much. Not only that, but it was supposed to announce the return of Rare, who was of the former king of console FPSes. Honestly, I can't really list off a bunch of specific problems because I returned it the day I bought it. It was archaic, unpolished, clunky, and ugly. The graphics weren't even noticeably better than Halo 2's. Had it not been for the surprisingly solid Call of Duty 2, there wouldn't've been any reason to own an Xbox 360 for the first year of its existence. Oh, and seriously, what is with the redesign of Joanna Dark's character model?

6. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Knights of the Old Republic was one of my favorite games of all time and remains my favorite RPG. When Bioware decided to turn the sequel over to Obsidian, I was understandably nervous. Turns out my fears were completely justified. The game just felt like it had no soul. Like the developers just didn't have any passion for the Star Wars universe. The story felt empty, the characters were uninteresting, and your character got too powerful too quickly, so the game was too easy. It was impressive technically, but the experience just felt hollow.

5. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
I've never seen a developer get so cocky as to blatantly remove functions that gamers wanted, and then scoffed at their complaints. PC gamers like dedicated servers? Well, screw you, you don't get them because their stupid. Xbox gamers like party chat? F that, we're taking that away, too. May your Modern Warfare sessions echo with the prepubescent screams of nine year-olds. On top of that, there's the whole knifing issue, the terrible maps, the incoherent single-player, and infinite grenade launcher rounds. This game was so close to being the best online shooter ever made, but IW got out of control.

4. Twisted Metal III
Twisted Metal 2 was awesome. Then, 989 Studios took over for the sequel, and it was just terrible in every way. That's about all there is to it.




3. Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
I don't I've ever been more excited for a game's release as I was for this game's (maybe Melee). Metroid Prime is my favorite game of all time, but its sequel was a huge let down. First off, let's just forget that I was actually excited for the multiplayer, which ended up being little more than a afterthought. The first Prime was incredibly atmospheric. Echoes was half purple. Half of the game was spent in a parallel, dark version of the planet where everything was an ugly purple. The enemies here looked like they were handcrafted by a 4 year-old, and for some reason it was necessary for the player to take damage in this world when outside of protective light bubbles. Traveling to the dark version of the planet was not something one did with anticipation, but with agitation. Add to that that three of Samus' four beams required ammo, something that had never been a part of Metroid and hasn't since. As a result, instead of getting to wield fire, ice, or electricity at will, the player basically stuck to the boring old power beam and saved the light and dark beams for boss fights. The game wasn't exactly terrible, but it's just so much worse than its predecessor.

2. Grand Theft Auto IV
This is the only game on this list that seems to be universally acclaimed by reviewers (Modern Warfare 2 had good initial reviews, but it quickly fell out of favor), and I'll never understand why. Is it because of the convoluted, meandering story line? The annoying incomprehensible accents? The impossible-to-drive vehicles? The clunky aiming and running controls? The God-awful cover mechanic? The blatant disregard for checkpoints? The constant pestering of in-game characters? The confusing world map? The creepy character models? The boring side missions and mini games? Niko's inability to buckle a seat belt? The absence of tanks? The fact that at no point during the entire 90 mission long campaign was game fun? I'm tellin' ya, I just don't get it. They took away everything that was fun about Vice City and expanded on everything that was annoying about it. Ever wish they went down a more Vice City-esque path? Go play Saints Row 2.

1. Prince of Persia: Warrior Within
And here we have the inspiration for this entire list. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time was one of the most surprisingly good games of the last generation. Hell, it was great, and even won some Game of the Year awards. It started the whole parkour game thing, and the level design puts Assassin's Creed II to shame. Sure, the game was entirely linear, but it worked well that way. The Sands of Time also had an incredibly moving story about lost love, and the ending was pretty gut-wrenching (but still very good). The Prince was also a very well-crafted character who was very likable (which is very rare for an action game character). He had a softer side, but could kick ass when necessary. The problem is that while The Sands of Time was critically acclaimed, it sell as well as, say, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. So for the sequel, Ubisoft decided that the parkour platforming needed to take a back seat to the combat, and that the prince needed to be more of a badass. So, in the opening sequence to this sequel to an extremely tasteful game, the Prince is on some ship in the middle of a storm, doing battle with some "bitch" in a metal thong. See that America? The Prince swears now! He's so much cooler. So instead of trying to regain his lost love, he's running around killing random people and forcin' out swear words at every turn. I fuckin' love swearing as much as the next guy, but it was just so out of place here. There are games on this list that were worse sequels to better games, but no other game on this list completely bastardized everything the original stood for like Warrior Within.

--Chilly P

Top 10: Best Xbox LIVE Arcade Games

Well, Sweet Clyde's recent XBLA post got me thinking: what are my favorite XBLA games of all time? More importantly, which would I rank as the best? Well, I've done some thinking, and here's my list. Let me tell you, this was no easy feat. Hell, you can look at my Gamertag over on the right side there and see that I haven't even played that many Arcade games (compared to full-length retail games). I've played somewhere between 20 and 25, which is a lot more than most people, though. So, how did I make this list? First, my favorite games make the list. It's that simple. There are some other constraints, though. Remakes and ports aren't awarded as highly. Also, while I did factor in price, you'll find that the best games tend to run you $15. Finally, I never downloaded Soul Calibur or Battlefield 1943, and that's why they're off the list. I'm sure I'd love both, for the former came out right before Soulcalibur IV and the latter came out right before Modern Warfare 2, so they weren't in a lot of demand during their respective releases. I'd get 1943 now, but I don't see the point anymore since DICE has said they're only going to be supporting Bad Company 2. Anyway, here's my list for the 10 best games the XBLA has to offer.

10. Mega Man 9
The tenth spot on this list was the hardest to determine. Seriously, I nailed down the first 9 really quickly, but deciding on a tenth was difficult. What made me put Mega Man 9 on here instead of Marvel vs. Capcom 2, Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix, The Secret of Monkey Island, and Perfect Dark was the fact that it's an original game. Plus, major, major props for making a new game with NES graphics. If you look at my 'cheevos, you'll see that I still have no Gamerscore for this game; that's because I can't even beat it once. This game is hard as shit, and there's a miniboss on Hornet Man's stage that I can't get past. Either way, playing the first 7 levels was a blast, even if I did get frustrated.

9. Aegis Wing
This game gets major bonus points for being free. It also gets bonus points for being a project done by some interns. But what really puts it on this list is the fact that it's really fun (especially with 3 friends), and it's got a bumpin' soundtrack. If you haven't played this game, just imagine R-Type with friends, and--more importantly--what the fuck are you waiting for!? It's free!!!1!! Go download it NOW!

8. Catan
This is a straight adaptation of the Settlers of Catan board game. Ever played Monopoly or Chess online? Same thing, but with a much, much better game (than Monopoly). It has a nice interface, some soothing tunes, and a pretty devoted cult following online. If you're a fan of the board game, or even board games in general, I highly recommend picking this one up. Also, if you get tired of all the assholes you find online, go play some Catan with strangers. Friendliest online community ever.

7. Ikaruga
This game will fuck your mother, sodomize your father, and shove an ice pick under your toe nails. It is balls in a vice hard. It requires so much memorization to become successful that even a one month absence will knock you back to square one. That being said, Ikaruga gets my vote for best 'shmup of all time. It's dynamic, expertly paced, beautifully patterned, and a whole mess of fun. It's also more rewarding than any game I've ever played. It hones the shit out of your gaming reflexes. Give the demo a try, and if you're man enough, download the whole game. This game was at full retail price for the Gamecube, but you can get it for a mere $10 on XBLA.

6. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
I love a good Metroidvania game (exploration-based platformer), and this is one of the best. Originally a Playstation 1 title, this was the first Castlevania game to combine the series with the Metroid formula, and it did so with great success. I never played the original, but I had played Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow (GBA and DS, respectively), so I was familiar with franchise. If you've never played a Metroidvania-type game, this is an excellent place to start. Just remember: use your map, don't get frustrated, and "mist could pass."

5. Geometry Wars 2
The first Geometry Wars was probably the best game on the Xbox 360 until Dead Rising came out...and it was only $5. That is hands-down the best $5 I've ever spent. Why isn't that game on the list, then? Well, because the sequel surpassed the original in every facet of the game, and I didn't want to put both of them on here. This game has the same frantic gameplay, but now in six excellent modes. Throw in a clever leaderboard system, an improved multiplier system, and 12 fun-filled Achievements, and you've got a recipe for success. You'll never put your analog sticks to better use, and if you haven't tried it yet, get your ass in gear: it's on sale this week.

4. Castle Crashers
I only got into this game recently, even though it's been out for over a year and a half. The reason? The Behemoth's first XBLA offering was a port of a Flash game called Alien Hominid HD, a Contra-style side-scroller, and I effing hated it. Hated it. It wasn't until Sweet Clyde's constant pestering--and a six pack of Yuengling--finally wore on me enough to get me to shell out the dough that I finally realized what a winner this game truly is. It's a side-scrolling beat 'em up, but with a clever magic system, a dose of humor, a boat-load of unlockables, and infinite aerial combos. It's the best-selling game on the Arcade, and if you haven't picked it up yet, you might want to give it another look.

3. Shadow Complex
This is the second Metroidvania game on this list, but this one is neither Metroid, nor Castlevania. From the studio that brought you the piss bucket known as Undertow came one of the best games on the Arcade. Granted, Chair was bought out by Epic Games before they made this title, but it was still a surprise turnaround. It was really hard for me to decide whether I like SotN or Shadow Complex better, but I think that, in the end, Shadow Complex gets my vote because it's an XBLA orginal, and it's a lot more Metroid than it is Castlevania. I. Love. Metroid. Plus, it has the Foam Gun. The Foam Gun is awesome. Here's my suggestion for you: don't play the demo. A demo could never do this genre of game justice. Go to Metacritic and read the reviews. If that doesn't pique your interest, I don't know what will. Oh, and if you're a fan of Super Metroid and you haven't bought this game yet, do me a favor: punch yourself in the face...then go buy this game. If you haven't played Super Metroid, then go download it onto your Wii. It's a steal at $8.

2. Braid
This game reinvented the platformer as we know it. Jonathan Blow's (practically) one-man project is an absolute work of brilliance. From its gorgeous water color visuals, to its clever time-bending gameplay, to its quirky soundtrack, to its enigmatic story-telling and tone, Braid is a must-play for any gaming enthusiast. It was one of the first games to hit the $15 price point, but it's worth every penny. Plus, I mean, come on, support the little guy.

1. Portal: Still Alive
Well, here we are. Number one. If you anything about me, you know I have a major hard-on for Portal. It's the best game on the XBLA, the best game on the 360, and the best game of this generation. 'Nuff said.

--Chilly P

p.s. I realize that first paragraph was poorly written, but I'm-a leave it as is. It's too garbled to fix at this point.

Top 10: Best Achievements

Yeah, a lot of people hate them or think they're a waste of time. Hell, I hate 'em; I just can't stop going after them. I've spent far too much of my life 'cheevo chasin'. But, even though the majority of Achievements are mundane, sadistic, or just stupid, there are some truly great ones out there. Some are even iconic. So, what makes an Achievement great? It could carry a large amount of prestige, be hilarious, or even inspire copycats. Without further ado, here are my top ten 'cheevos of all time, and no, I haven't gotten them all.

10. Battlefield: Bad Company 2 -> 'Et Tu, Brute?'
The first 'cheevo on the list makes it there because it's perfectly suited for hilarity. This Achievement rewards you for getting five of your friends' dog tags. Not only is it awesome that you can get an Achievement for embarrassing your friends, but DICE had the wisdom to do this one right. 5 is not a large number, but it also requires a little time. This way, you probably can't get the Achievement in one sitting, but you shouldn't feel the need to grind for it ("Okay, come let me knife you and then you knife me"). Plus, you don't have to knife 5 unique friends, so don't expect random friend invites from strangers looking for this Achievement. Also, since you sometimes end up on the other side as your friend if you join him midgame, there should be ample opportunities to get this one.

9. Portal: Still Alive -> 'Out of the Blue'
This one makes the list because it's one of those Achievements that adds a fun challenge without decreasing the fun of the game. That being said, this is no cake walk (sorry...and wtf is a cake walk, anway?). The goal is--once you control both portals--to only use the orange portal as your entrance and always come out of the blue one (geddit?). I've tried this one a couple times and I'm still not entirely sure where I've failed. Guides on the ingterwebs suggest that you have to make sure you get through every portal as quickly as possible. But, hey, don't let the challenge dissuade you. Plus, Portal's just such a good game that you shouldn't mind playing it a few times.

8. Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved -> 'Pacifism'
This Achievement tasked you with surviving the first 60 seconds of a game without so much as firing a single shot. People loved this Achievement so much that the sequel had an entire gametype built around the idea. No, it wasn't all that difficult to get (it should only take a few tries), but it was definitely a lot of fun to get. Plus, since Geometry Wars was one of the first games on the 360, you could really say that this 'cheevo paved the way for Achievements revolving around trying to play the game a certain way or by handicapping yourself.

7. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock -> 'The Inhuman Achievement'
No, I don't have this Achievement. I've never even beaten the intro. This Achievement is on here simply because it's probably the most prestigious Achievement in existence. It's not like 'Seriously 2.0' where any monkey can get it with enough patience. This takes an ungodly amount of skill and a shit load of practice. If you have this Achievement, you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you really are one of the best Guitar Hero players in existence, and that you will probably have carpal tunnel in the near future. Oh, and let's just get this out of the way: yes, 'Kick the Bucket Award' (GHII) came first, but "Through the Fire and Flames" is both a better to listen to and tougher to beat than "Jordan."

6. Battlefield: Bad Company -> 'Darwin's Parachute'
When you read the description for this Achievement, it says, "(Online) Glide in the parachute for 3 seconds." Seems simple enough. So, you get yourself a helicopter and fly as high as you can and then jump out. A moment afterward, you realize you're plummeting towards the Earth and that you have no idea how to open the parachute. You start randomly hitting buttons, but your efforts are fruitless, and you smack into the ground at terminal velocity and get to wait for your next respawn. "Crap, how do you open the parachute?" you think. Then, before you can even finish that thought, you unlock the Achievement. You quickly hit the guide button to make sure you're not crazy. Yep, there it is, but now its description reads, "There is no parachute, right?" Yes, that's right, you just got tricked into killing yourself, and now the title of the Achievement makes sense. This is hands-down the funniest Achievement I've ever seen.

5. The Orange Box -> 'Little Rocket Man'
I did not have the patience for this one (and I, uh, never found the gnome), but one of these days I'm going to go back and get it. This was a very popular Achievement, and it even inspired a follow-up for Left 4 Dead 2. This Achievement takes dedication unlike any other, and shows just how much you want to help a garden gnome reach his dream of making it into space. For those of you who don't know, this Achievement tasks you with carrying a garden gnome from the beginning of Half-Life 2: Episode 2 all the way to end. So, after every firefight you have to go back and pick him up. The most frustrating part is trying find a good place to wedge him in the car you have to drive for a large portion of the middle.

4. Dead Rising -> 'Zombie Genocider'
You earn this Achievement for killing 53, 594 (the population of the local town) zombies in a single playthrough. No, this Achievement was not particularly fun to get. In fact, I outsourced about half the work to a friend. This one makes the list for a few reasons, though: you unlock the bitchin' Mega Blaster weapon for earning it, it was one of the first well-known and much-coveted Achievements, and it inspired several copycats. The first copycat was Left 4 Dead's Zombie 'Genocidest', which was awarded for killing 53, 595 infected over all games. The second was [Prototype]'s 'Trail of Corpses' Achievement for killing 53, 596 infected. In other words, this one makes the list not because it particularly great, but because of its legacy. Speaking of legacies...

3. Gears of War -> 'Seriously...'
Getting 10, 000 kills in Gears of War's multiplayer was no small feat. You were lucky to get 30 kills in a 45 minute game. If you had this Achievement, it meant two things: you played a lot, and you were probably pretty good. Sure, any 12 year-old could get it, but they usually didn't. This is still the most prestigious online Achievement, and almost anyone who has it proudly wears the emblem as their gamer picture. Like Zombie Genocider, it also yielded copycats (The Club's 'No, Seriously' for 10, 001 online kills), including the follow-up 'Seriously 2.0' in Gears of War 2. 'Seriously 2.0', however, was hugely disappointing, as it required 100,000 kills across all gametypes. Anyone who has it probably spent an inordinate and ridicule-worthy amount of time replaying the brumak rodeo over and over again.

2. Halo 3 -> 'Vidmaster Challenge: Annual'
We're getting down to the end, and here we have my vote for the funnest Achievement of all time. This Achievement required you and three of your 'cheevo chasin' friends to beat the final level of Halo 3 on the hardest difficulty with the Iron skull turned on, but with a little twist. Instead of allowing you to use a couple of warthogs and allowing you to strand stragglers, everyone had to be in their own ghost and everyone had to get to the end. It required team work, persistence, and a little luck, but it sure yielded a handful of laughs. This Achievement is the shining example of how to add challenge and fun simultaneously. Oh, and this 'cheevo grants you exactly zilch in Gamerscore, so fun's the only thing you're gonna get out of it...that, and you'll be one step closer to Recon.

1. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare -> 'Mile High Club'
This really shouldn't be a surprise. If I were a betting man--and I am--I'd wager that more time was spent globally trying to unlock this Achievement than any other. It's very prestigious, but only requires a minute of your time to unlock...if you get it the first time...and you won't. What made this Achievement so cool was that it was so hard to get, but it was always just out of your reach. Every time you start up the Epilogue, you think to yourself, "Okay, this is it. This is the time I actually beat this thing." Sure, it required luck to unlock (AI is inconsistent, so the pure memorization of the NES days isn't an option), but once you unlocked it, it was like taking a monkey off your back. And I'm not talking about a cute monkey like Spike in Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, I'm talking about the kind of mokey that throws feces at you and your friends. If you've unlocked this Achievement, you're in the club.

--Chilly P

Top 10: What the Hell Were They Thinking?

I like lists, so I'll be doing top 10 lists every so often. This edition is about some of the all-time fuck-ups in game design for this current generation (Otherwise the QB Vision Cone would be on here...possibly twice). Note that something like "The Javelin Glitch" won't be on this list, because there wasn't some fart-knocker over at IW who thought it'd be fun to sneak that into the code. It wasn't a design decision. So, here we go: a list of some shit that broke the game, some shit that was unfair, some infuriatin' shit, and shit that's just dumbfounding.

10. Brutal Legend-> Roadies
I know a lot people probably didn't play this game (let alone played it online), but let me run down the basics. It's an RTS (Schafer is lying to you) where the only way you can win is by destroying the enemy's stage, which is their only non-defense-tower building. Only one unit in the game (which belongs to one of three factions) is anti-building: the Roadie. The roadie is also the only unit that is invisible unless you are close to it. It's an invisible unit, which destroys your base quickly. Yeah, sounds balanced, right?

9. Mass Effect-> The Mako
Holy shit, I hated the Mako and I'm so glad they completely axed it for the far superior sequel. Trying to drive that jalopy over mountainous terrain was about as entertaining as rubbing my knuckles against sandpaper.

8. Grand Theft Auto IV-> Entertaining Friends
I'll never understand how this game got such a high metacritic score. You had your whiney, needy, backstabbing "friends" calling you every three damned seconds to insist that you go bowling or dart throwing or mini golfing (oh, wait, the mini golf course was just a prop), and they'd bitch and moan if you couldn't shake the cops in your greased up Admiral (more on that later) in time to satiate their spontaneous demands. Then, you finally pick up your annoying cousin or that incomprehensible Jamaican dude and when you finally get to the bowling alley, you find yourself spending 15 agonizing minutes playing a minigame that wouldn't make the cut in Fuzion Frenzy.

7. Halo Wars-> Prophet Rush
It is nearly impossible to beat a Prophet of Regret rush in 1v1 or 2v2 if you're using the UNSC. Even if you do possess the skill to fend off the rush, it takes way, way, way more time, effort, resources, and skill to defeat the rush than to execute it. I know they've nerfed the Prohpet by making him slower, but it's still a pain in the ass. Why the hell does he get an overshield? At least make him upgrade once or twice before you make him the only leader with auto-regenerating health.

6. Modern Warfare 2-> Akimbo Shotguns
I think anyone who's played Mod2 (and there are a lot of you) know exactly what I'm talking about. Sure, Akimbo made sense for SMGs and pistols because those are guns that lose significant accuracy when hip-fired, but who aims down sight with a shotgun? Ever? It just doubled the effectiveness of an already effective gun. That first patch couldn't come fast enough.

5. Call of Duty: World at War-> Bouncing Betties
The very first time I my head got blown off by one of these little bastards, I was dumbfounded. Where the hell did that explosion come from. I then sat back, stupified, as I watched the killcam show a nearly-invisible mine hop right out of the ground and explode in my face. It was from that moment on that I realized that World at War was not a game I would enjoy. Now, before you say, "Just put on Bombsquad," let me say this: fuck you. Don't defend them.

4. Gears of War 2-> Grenade Planting
I talked about this in my Rules for Shooters. A lot of people complained in the first Gears that it was too easy to get kills by grenade-tagging, so they responded to that in the sequel by letting you grenade tag EVERYTHING. The best part is that before they patched the game 30 times, the planted grenades were nearly impossible to shoot down if you did luck into seeing one before it killed you, and any douchebag running around the map controlling the 'nade spawns could actually plant infinite grenades. How the hell does it not occur to you that some douche is going to just plant a grenade next to grenade spawn and then run around planting grenades all over the damn map? They didn't even disappear when you die, so every game of Annex turned into a damned minefield. Ugh, terrible. To make matters worse, some maps had rotating weapon spawns that switched between frag and ink grenades and one team would get frags every time while the other was always stuck with inks (they patched that quickly, but what an inexcusable oversight). They have since patched the game numerous times so that a player can only have two active mines at a time and they're slightly easier to shoot down (although it still takes multiple shots for some reason). It's an improvement, but I would still prefer this feature be removed entirely.

3. Grand Theft Auto IV-> "Realistic" Car Physics
Hey, remember in GTA: Vice City when it so entertaining to just drive around in a Comet or a Cheetah and e-brake your way around every turn? Remember in GTA IV the first time you tried to e-brake around a turn, and the car went careening uncontrollably into the nearest pole, and then you went flying out the windshield, and a cop ran up and busted your ass on the spot? Yeah, that was fun, wasn't it? I looked "realistic" up in the dictionary, and this may shock the folks over at Rockstar North, but "fun" was not listed as a synonym. Also, Niko, buckle your seat belt. Not that hard.

2. Gears of War 2-> Smoke Grenade Stuns
I mentioned this in my rules post, but yeah, the 2 second rag doll effect was awful. The worst part is that it was inconsistent, too. Get stunned on some stairs and your floppy ass is gonna slowly slide all the way down while Cole Train patiently follows you down so he can chainsaw-domize you as soon as you get up. I actually remember wondering why they didn't just use the same animation they used for when your teammate hit you with a mortar. It only took them about a year to figure that one out.

1. Super Smash Bros. Brawl-> Random Tripping
Here we are, folks. The most mind-boggling design decision of all time: random tripping. I'm really not even sure what to say about it. I guess it's supposed to be some sort of rubber band system for leveling the playing field, but why can't I at least turn it off? I'm really just dumbfounded by this one. It's just so profoundly stupid. I guess I can postulate as to how the idea came up in a meeting:

"Alright guys, we've already taken away wave dashing to make sure our game is less fun for the people who will play it the longest, but I'm still worried our game is too good. We certainly want these people to buy our game, but we can't offer downloadable content on the Wii, so we need them to get bored with the game and buy Wii Fit. Any ideas?"
"We could take Mario out of the game."
"No, we need them to still buy it in the first place."
"Let's have the guys who compiled the soundtrack for Sonic Adventure 2 do the game music."
"No, no, the soundtrack really is a purchasing incentive for a nostalgia-based game like this."
"I got it. Let's make people trip randomly like they slipped on one of Diddy's bananas."
"My God, Jusaka-san, you've done it! It's perfect! It won't keep anyone from buying the game, and the hardcore players who buy a lot games in the first place will be infuriated by such a blatant random event! Fellas, crack open the sake and break out the hentai!"

The reason this is number 1 is because out of every fuck-up on this list, this is the only one where I really can't imagine any reason a sane person would include this in the game. It's not a balance oversight, it's not there to show off any sort of techno-babble, and it's not supposed to simulate something observed in real-life (maybe Bugs Bunny cartoons). I really just don't know what the fuck they were thinking.

--Chilly P