Daily Dose of WTF

So I was perusing the indie games on Xbox Live Marketplace, and I stumbled upon this strange game. So immediately the "what the fuck" alarm was roaring like a fog horn in my ear, but I wanted to give this game a chance before I blindly shit all over it. So I clicked on the description to find out more:

"This game was classified by the community with the following category scores - Violence=0/3, Sex=3/3, Mature Content=0/3. Massage yourself or make a massage party stimulating each other. Easy create and save your own customized massage ! Play it automatically. Manually change intensity, speed and playtime in desired moment. Available 23 hot & nice massages to please you. It will change your pad into unlimited vibrating toy !"

Wait, what? Besides their lack of respect for the English language, this game is fucked. Let's break some things down that bother me here, shall we?

1- The description - Right off the bat, did anyone bother to proofread this piece of shit description prior to being released? If I am not mistaken, aren't "Indie Games" from aspiring game developers trying to make it big? If that is the case, then these morons at "Holographic Dreams" are blowing an opportunity by sounding like dipshits here. I went to their website and was delighted to read this motto, "We create games, to give people fun, to have fun and make money... " Well put, assholes.

2- The rating system - Who in the hell decided that "sex=3/3" couldn't even earn a single point on the "mature content" scale? Well, let's look at what this game is about, "massage yourself or make a massage party stimulating each other". Even the cleanest of minds would snicker and laugh at a line like that. You are either sitting alone sliding the vibrating controller around your body like a creep, or actually interacting with someone else "stimulating" each other. Either way, it is fucking bizarre and probably deserves at least a one on the "mature content" scale.

3- The concept - Did Holographic Dreams forget that the vast majority of gamers are males, and this game is falling on deaf ears, so to speak? I am no 8th grade health teacher, but I seem to think that females would overwhelmingly have more satisfaction from a game like this than a bunch of guys.

4- The social consequences of owning a game like this - Can you even imagine the satisfaction you could get from walking in on a friend "playing" this game? At worst, you might get to see that the person forgot to go "offline" and his friend status said he was playing "massage me", which is still worth something.

5- Who the fuck is Holographic Dreams? - When you visit their website, they have 3 games listed. The first game is essentially one of avoidance (like this). Alright, simple and innocent. The second game is called "Christmas Tree 3D" which allows the player to decorate a 3D Christmas tree. Great, extremely simple and very innocent. Then, out of nowhere, Holographic Dreams drops a bombshell in the form of a sexual Xbox 360 game. Rub yourself! Rub others! Rub everyone together! Whoa, hold the fucking phone! A second ago I was reveling in the majesty of Christmas memories of old, and now I am getting a fucking reach around with an Xbox controller? Call me crazy, but I think I will pass.


Anyway, I obviously don't approve of this game since I think it is a waste of time, but I guess it is interesting and unique enough for me to write something about it... so congrats on that Holographic Dreams.

Not much else to say, besides What the Fuck.

SC

Abandon Ship

Holy crap, have you seen this? Infinity Ward employees are jumping ship like it's the Titanic. What the hell is going on here? They were setting the world on fire just this past November. Man, I hope this comes back to bite Activision in the ass. I'm trying not to jump on the evil empire band wagons anymore, but it's hard not hate Activision at this point. As you can see from the above image, peoples don't much care for Bobby Kotick. He deserves it, too.

Anyway, there is going to have to be some backlash after all of this. I kind of feel bad for Treyarch because they might get stuck fending for themselves with the Call of Duty franchise, and I doubt they hack it for too long. You know who's lickin' their chops right now? Bungie. The Reach beta comes out soon, and it's right on the heels of an overpriced map pack and a colossal falling-out at their biggest rival. This is also setting EA up pretty nicely. Medal of Honor, which is straight-ripping Call of Duty, comes out this summer, and the two IW execs who are in a epic lawsuit of he-said-she-said with Activision have formed their own studio which is working with EA Partners (which puts them under the same roof as Valve). Hell, even Epic has decided that now is the time to announce Gears of War 3 (which has an April 2011 release date; making room for a beta test, this time?). This is going to be interesting to watch unfold.

--Chilly P

p.s. Just for the record, I've been saying this for a while now.

p.p.s. Some background info on Infinity Ward that sheds some more light on the situation.

Thoughts for Monday 041210 (Mostly about Bad Co 2)

PSA: April 15th is the last day that you can play any original Xbox 1 titles on LIVE. Bust out your copy of Halo 2 for the last time.

I'm almost 17 hours into Final Fantasy XIII and the game is still going nowhere. This is when most games are wrapping up, yet FFXIII has decided that it's still time for plot development. Seriously, there hasn't even been any real rising action yet.

Trying to play through Perfect Dark on Special Agent has given me a whole new appreciation for check points in FPS campaigns. I've been stuck on the same level for a long time (Infiltrating Area 51).

And now the rest is about Bad Company 2...
In no particular order, here are my 10 favorite kits for Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (one kit per gun; vehicle perks and side arms not included ):

• Medic: M60, Defibrillator, Red Dot Sight, Magnum Ammunition
• Medic: USAS-12 Auto, Defibrillator, 12 Gauge Slugs, Magnum Ammunition
  
• Assault: AN-94 Abakan, 40mm Grenade, Red Dot Sight, Assault Marksman
• Assault: M16A2, 40mm Grenade, Red Dot Sight, Magnum Ammunition
• Assault: WWII M1A1 Garand, C4 Explosives, Light Combat Equipment, Magnum Ammunition
  
• Recon: M24 Sniper, Mortar Strike, 12x High Power Scope, Improved Demolitions
• Recon: VSS Snaiperskaya Special, C4 Explosives, Red Dot Sight, Magnum Ammunition
• Recon: Type 88 Sniper, C4 Explosives, 4x Rifle Scope, Magnum Ammunition
• Engineer: PP-2000 Avtomat, M136 AT4, Ammo Hip Bandolier, Magnum Ammunition
• Engineer: AKS-74U Krinkov, Anti-Tank Mines, Explosives Leg Pouch, Improved Demolitions
  

And, hey, you know what's nice about BC2? I can carry all of those kits and more into battle! I can't stress enough how awesome it is that I don't have to pre-build kits before battle. I hate being stuck in a situation where I could really use a certain class and I just can't. For example, if we're getting bogged down by tanks and I really need to go tank bustin', I can throw together an engineer class that is completely geared toward shooting a lot of rockets at tanks. You may notice that I put Magnum Ammo on nearly everything. Well, it's easier for me to tell the benefit of magnum ammo than the benefit of ceramic armor in that game. Maybe if it was like Call of Duty and told me when I was shooting at someone using body armor (a.k.a. Juggernaut/Pain Pill) I'd be more aware of it. As it stands, most of the specializations in Bad Company 2 only offer marginal benefits, so it doesn't make that much of a difference.

I think I may be the only person who likes the USAS better than the Saiga. I know the Saiga has better stats (that's indisputable), but something about the USAS just feels better.

I've now gone gold with every gun except the G3, M9, M93R Burst, and the MP-412 Rex. Having spent quality time with every gun, I can pretty positively say that the AEK-971, the Uzi, the F2000, the MG3, the Thompson, and the SV98 are my least favorite guns.

I have a total of 4 tracer dart plants. I fail to see how tagging a helicopter is sufficiently easier than hitting it with a rocket.

The "Stimulus Package" ended up being the fastest-selling map pack in XBL history. So much for $15 being too expensive. To everyone who bought it: thank you very much for raising prices.

On that note, DICE has said that they'd like to make all of their map packs free, but it's not really up to them. It's up to EA. Giving away free map packs would be a good way of steering more gamers away from the Call of Duty franchise. I honestly can't imagine anyone liking Modern Warfare 2 better than Bad Company 2 after having played both. Having said that, I really don't want BC2 to be more popular than Mod2. You know how Macs always brag about how they don't get viruses? Well, why do you think that is? Is it because OSX is a more secure operating system, or because Apple hardware is more robust? No, it's because the Mac user-base is exponentially smaller than the PC user-base. It's not even close. Plus, almost all businesses use Windows. So, if you're going to write viruses or spyware, why go after such a small portion of the population? Writing viruses for Macs is a waste of time. By that same reasoning, Modern Warfare 2 is plagued by asshats and glitchers because it's the most popular shooter on the market. Sure, Infinity Ward should have done a beta and that would've caught stupid things like the Model 1887s, but even if they had, there would still be near-constant attacks on their code base. The point of this aside is that I'm worried that if BC2 becomes more popular than Mod2, that all the hackers and idiots will bring all their nonsense to that community and I'll have to go elsewhere once again. I know it's completely selfish and I wish nothing but the best for the guys over at DICE, but if some ridiculous thing like the javelin glitch happens to BC2, it will be a sad day for all of us.

Speaking of free map packs, why not just port some maps from the first Bad Company straight over? The only adjustments you'd have to make--that I can think of--are changing all of the Artillary guns to UAVs, adding UAV spots to each new offense spawn, updating the vehicle spawns, and making certain buildings collapsible. Valley Run was a fantastic map (here's a quick refresher for those who played the first game) and I'd love to see that one come back. I would also love to see Over and Out because defending that last point in the bottom of a bunker was a blast. I loved Harvest Day's farm setting, but I think it'd be too open for BC2. Snipers would just wreak havoc on that map. Oasis was good, but there's no need to bring that back because it's just an inferior version of Arica Harbor. I really liked the enormous cranes that you could snipe from on Deconstruction, but they'd have to alter that map to make the second leg easier for the offense. Getting across that bridge was an exercise in futility. End of the Line involved way too much running/swimming and was so open that you actually saw people too infrequently. Final Ignition had that giant building at the beginning that was way too easy to defend and got frustrating. The last map was Ascension, which was a nightmare for the offense. It was like Nelson Bay, but the offense had to run uphill the whole way, and the entire map was congested with buildings. It might not have been any fun, but it did have a castle at the end which was a cool-ass set piece. That's something that the new game lacks. Leguna Presa really missed an opportunity when it used the dam as just the background. How cool would it be to snipe from/at the top of the dam? I also wish they'd bring back the golf course setting. The campaign of the first game had a level where you infiltrate some rich Russian guy's house, and you have to fight your way through a golf course to get there. When they eventually released the Conquest gametype, they had a golf course level. It was awesome.

I've heard some people grumbling that M14 and G3 don't have available RDSs and 4x scopes. They discussed this on the Battlefield Blog and his reasons make sense, especially with the M14. If you want a powerful semi-auto rifle, use the T88 S.

I wish they'd make it so that if your teammate puts C4 on your UAV and blows it, your UAV should explode. It's pretty cheap that three guys can systematically destroy every MCOM station without ever leaving their spawn. Sure, a good player should always spot a UAV when he sees it, and the team should be able to shoot it before it flies away, but there are newbies who have no idea what's going on, and it's not really fair to them.

Emulate This! #2

SIN AND PUNISHMENT

If there are two groups of people who kick ass at naming shit, they're the band DragonForce and the entire country of Japan. So. Remember that game, Star Fox 64? That game kicked ass, right? That genre of game is known as a "rail-shooter." Rail shooters kind of died off after the N64/PlayStation days...I think there was a Panzer Dragoon game for the original Xbox, and there was a Star Fox game on the GCN that was half rail-shooter (I'm not talking about Rare's Zelda knock-off). Anyway, you don't see too many tried-and-true rail-shooters anymore. I blame GTA III. Now everyone's gotta have an open world where you can do anything; no one wants to be locked into a path and told where to go. It's sad, honestly, especially since so many games will add sandbox elements for no damn reason. Luckily, there's hope. Those of you who have a Wii and enjoy the Virtual Console (and you should) may have heard of a little game called Sin & Punishment. It was a Japan-only game for the N64, and it's a shame it never made it state-side because it kicks ass...authoritatively. If it had made it over here during the N64's heyday, I can only assume that more people would of heard of it. It did come over to the Wii's VC a couple years ago, though, and it's certainly better late than never. Screen shot in 3...2...1...BAM! Notice anything different? Mothafucka's on the ground. That's right. A rail-shooter where you play as a dude (almost) constantly running forward. I'm gonna be straight with you, the controls are a bit wonky at first. Unlike Star Fox 64, you move and aim independently, so you have to aim with the stick and strafe with the "C" buttons. It takes a little getting used to--as does the whole jumping concept--but once you get the hang of it, the game's a blast. Honestly, it might be even better than Star Fox 64. It's unmistakably Japanese, so there's some wishy-washy story that's probably about truth and love or something. Doesn't matter. The game also has this sweet sword thing going on with it. If you double tap the "fire" button, you slash with a sword and deal out major damage. It's really satisfying. How 'bout another screen shot?See that? You're on a flying platform, shooting at an aircraft carrier, and jets are flying around you trying to kill you. It's wicked awesome, and make no mistake about it, this game is tough. Way harder than Star Fox 64. The downside--as is with any N64 game--is that the graphics can get pretty fuzzy and it's not always clear what you're shooting at (it's not Perfect Dark bad, though). So, if you can find it for free and don't have a nagging conscience, go for it. If you want to download it onto your Wii, that'll cost ya. I'm not sure if this still holds, but at the time it was the single most expensive game on the Virtual Console at $12. It was totally worth it, though. The game was made by Treasure, and if you know anything about sweet cult classics, you've heard of Treasure. They're the studio behind Ikaruga, Gunstar Heroes, and Wario World. They're known for two things: making the best boss fights in the business and unforgiving--but fair--difficulty. Here's the best part though: Sin & Punishment must've sold a whole mess of virtual copies because they made a sequel for the Wii. It didn't get a whole lot of press, and I'm embarrassed to say that I missed when it got released (I honestly though it was still in development until about 10 minutes ago). It's got a good Metacritic score, though, so I may just have to make my way to the local Gamestop tomorrow. If I do, I'll let you know how it goes (...I just hope they have it).

[Update] Well, they didn't have it because it's not out yet. I didn't miss the release date. It's out in Japan already but isn't coming state-side until June. I gotta tell you though, looking for it on the shelf was an eye-opener: the Wii has an absurd amount of shovel-ware. It's even worse than I thought.

--Chilly P

Mass Effect 2 DLC and the Blur Demo

I downloaded the "Kasumi - Stolen Memory" DLC for Mass Effect 2 last night, and less than an hour later, I had finished it. The question is: was it worth the $7? Uh, maybe. It was certainly entertaining, and I'd say it was probably the most entertaining of what I call the "loyalty missions," but it sure was short. For those of you who've played Mass Effect 2 (and all the cool kids have by now), Kasumi functions exactly like Zaeed. You barely have to step off the ship to recruit her, and you can't romanticize her or even have conversations with her. She's just an extra party member that gets you a new loyalty mission, a new weapon (you find a bitchin' SMG during her mission), a new advanced training ability (flash bangs), and a new tech upgrade. So, you really don't get all that much for your $7, at least not quantitatively.

Qualitatively, however, Kasumi's Stolen Memory is excellent. The mission contains a mix of puzzle-solving and action, and Kasumi is both an intriguing character and useful in a fight. She has this bitchin' tech ability where she goes invisible, sneaks up behind a guy, and whacks 'em in the head. It's just cool. Plus, since she gets behind the enemies without dying, she's really good at drawing attention away from you. Plus, when shit gets real, she can cloak herself and get out of there, so she doesn't die too often. It also helps that the character is nice on the eyes and the ears. I haven't looked up who does her voice acting, but bravo. I just really wish you could have full-fledged conversations with her. The "press to tell story" thing feels so...hollow. I don't know why the DLC characters can't be fully-integrated with the rest of them. I want a recruitment mission, I want to earn her personal quest/loyalty mission, and I want to be able to really talk to her. Holy crap, talking about RPGs makes me sound like a loser. Look, Bioware is uncannily talented at character development, and we'll leave it at that.

Would I recommend it to a friend? That depends. If you're just going to use a save where you've completed the game and you're going back just for this, I'd skip it. If you're looking to play through the entire game again (or for the first time), then I'd pick it up (it's the same price as a meal at Chick-fil-A). Kasumi's an interesting character, and her loyalty mission is quite possibly the best in the game. She's also a useful fighter, but not so much so that I'd her in the final suicide mission over Legion, Miranda, or Grunt. Plus, if you're using a class that's low on firepower, the new SMG could be quite useful.

The other bit of DLC I got for Mass Effect 2 is the Firewalker DLC that's available over the Cerberus Network (i.e., free for those who bought new). Nobody liked the Mako in the first Mass Effect, so they completely cut vehicles from the retail game. Now they have a hovercraft as downloadable content. I guess it controls better, but I'm not trying to take it over mountainous terrain. Half the reason the Mako sucked was because of where they made me drive it. Anyway, I've played 2 of the 5 missions, and they've been a bore so far. The Firewalker has mounted guns, so I assume there'll be enemies at some point, but definitely not yet. The first two missions have basically consisted of traveling between check points. I certainly hope there's more to offer than that...and why doesn't this one come with a 'cheevo? Is that so much to ask?

Someone got Call of Duty 4 in my racing game. I played the Blur demo, and I've come away unimpressed. Combine Project Gotham Racing (it's made by the same guys) with Mario Kart power-ups and Call of Duty 4's online incentive program (including ranks, perks, and unlockables) , throw in a bunch of neon shit, and you've got Blur. This game is definitely less than the sum of its parts, though. The power-ups are largely uninspired, and the whole racing at night with everything having a neon glow style is off-putting. Plus, you see what power-up you're going to get, so the randomness of Mario Kart is removed, and that's not a good thing. Every power-up is designed so that the player in first or last could get it, so they're all boring. Blur is essentially a kart racer with boring power-ups and real cars. I had high hopes for this game, but it looks like it'll come nowhere close to Double Dash!! or Burnout: Revenge. I sure hope Slit/Second isn't this disappointing. The demo's free on XBL for all Gold subscribers, so feel free to give it a shot.

--Chilly P

Top 10: Best Xbox LIVE Arcade Games

Well, Sweet Clyde's recent XBLA post got me thinking: what are my favorite XBLA games of all time? More importantly, which would I rank as the best? Well, I've done some thinking, and here's my list. Let me tell you, this was no easy feat. Hell, you can look at my Gamertag over on the right side there and see that I haven't even played that many Arcade games (compared to full-length retail games). I've played somewhere between 20 and 25, which is a lot more than most people, though. So, how did I make this list? First, my favorite games make the list. It's that simple. There are some other constraints, though. Remakes and ports aren't awarded as highly. Also, while I did factor in price, you'll find that the best games tend to run you $15. Finally, I never downloaded Soul Calibur or Battlefield 1943, and that's why they're off the list. I'm sure I'd love both, for the former came out right before Soulcalibur IV and the latter came out right before Modern Warfare 2, so they weren't in a lot of demand during their respective releases. I'd get 1943 now, but I don't see the point anymore since DICE has said they're only going to be supporting Bad Company 2. Anyway, here's my list for the 10 best games the XBLA has to offer.

10. Mega Man 9
The tenth spot on this list was the hardest to determine. Seriously, I nailed down the first 9 really quickly, but deciding on a tenth was difficult. What made me put Mega Man 9 on here instead of Marvel vs. Capcom 2, Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix, The Secret of Monkey Island, and Perfect Dark was the fact that it's an original game. Plus, major, major props for making a new game with NES graphics. If you look at my 'cheevos, you'll see that I still have no Gamerscore for this game; that's because I can't even beat it once. This game is hard as shit, and there's a miniboss on Hornet Man's stage that I can't get past. Either way, playing the first 7 levels was a blast, even if I did get frustrated.

9. Aegis Wing
This game gets major bonus points for being free. It also gets bonus points for being a project done by some interns. But what really puts it on this list is the fact that it's really fun (especially with 3 friends), and it's got a bumpin' soundtrack. If you haven't played this game, just imagine R-Type with friends, and--more importantly--what the fuck are you waiting for!? It's free!!!1!! Go download it NOW!

8. Catan
This is a straight adaptation of the Settlers of Catan board game. Ever played Monopoly or Chess online? Same thing, but with a much, much better game (than Monopoly). It has a nice interface, some soothing tunes, and a pretty devoted cult following online. If you're a fan of the board game, or even board games in general, I highly recommend picking this one up. Also, if you get tired of all the assholes you find online, go play some Catan with strangers. Friendliest online community ever.

7. Ikaruga
This game will fuck your mother, sodomize your father, and shove an ice pick under your toe nails. It is balls in a vice hard. It requires so much memorization to become successful that even a one month absence will knock you back to square one. That being said, Ikaruga gets my vote for best 'shmup of all time. It's dynamic, expertly paced, beautifully patterned, and a whole mess of fun. It's also more rewarding than any game I've ever played. It hones the shit out of your gaming reflexes. Give the demo a try, and if you're man enough, download the whole game. This game was at full retail price for the Gamecube, but you can get it for a mere $10 on XBLA.

6. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
I love a good Metroidvania game (exploration-based platformer), and this is one of the best. Originally a Playstation 1 title, this was the first Castlevania game to combine the series with the Metroid formula, and it did so with great success. I never played the original, but I had played Aria of Sorrow and Dawn of Sorrow (GBA and DS, respectively), so I was familiar with franchise. If you've never played a Metroidvania-type game, this is an excellent place to start. Just remember: use your map, don't get frustrated, and "mist could pass."

5. Geometry Wars 2
The first Geometry Wars was probably the best game on the Xbox 360 until Dead Rising came out...and it was only $5. That is hands-down the best $5 I've ever spent. Why isn't that game on the list, then? Well, because the sequel surpassed the original in every facet of the game, and I didn't want to put both of them on here. This game has the same frantic gameplay, but now in six excellent modes. Throw in a clever leaderboard system, an improved multiplier system, and 12 fun-filled Achievements, and you've got a recipe for success. You'll never put your analog sticks to better use, and if you haven't tried it yet, get your ass in gear: it's on sale this week.

4. Castle Crashers
I only got into this game recently, even though it's been out for over a year and a half. The reason? The Behemoth's first XBLA offering was a port of a Flash game called Alien Hominid HD, a Contra-style side-scroller, and I effing hated it. Hated it. It wasn't until Sweet Clyde's constant pestering--and a six pack of Yuengling--finally wore on me enough to get me to shell out the dough that I finally realized what a winner this game truly is. It's a side-scrolling beat 'em up, but with a clever magic system, a dose of humor, a boat-load of unlockables, and infinite aerial combos. It's the best-selling game on the Arcade, and if you haven't picked it up yet, you might want to give it another look.

3. Shadow Complex
This is the second Metroidvania game on this list, but this one is neither Metroid, nor Castlevania. From the studio that brought you the piss bucket known as Undertow came one of the best games on the Arcade. Granted, Chair was bought out by Epic Games before they made this title, but it was still a surprise turnaround. It was really hard for me to decide whether I like SotN or Shadow Complex better, but I think that, in the end, Shadow Complex gets my vote because it's an XBLA orginal, and it's a lot more Metroid than it is Castlevania. I. Love. Metroid. Plus, it has the Foam Gun. The Foam Gun is awesome. Here's my suggestion for you: don't play the demo. A demo could never do this genre of game justice. Go to Metacritic and read the reviews. If that doesn't pique your interest, I don't know what will. Oh, and if you're a fan of Super Metroid and you haven't bought this game yet, do me a favor: punch yourself in the face...then go buy this game. If you haven't played Super Metroid, then go download it onto your Wii. It's a steal at $8.

2. Braid
This game reinvented the platformer as we know it. Jonathan Blow's (practically) one-man project is an absolute work of brilliance. From its gorgeous water color visuals, to its clever time-bending gameplay, to its quirky soundtrack, to its enigmatic story-telling and tone, Braid is a must-play for any gaming enthusiast. It was one of the first games to hit the $15 price point, but it's worth every penny. Plus, I mean, come on, support the little guy.

1. Portal: Still Alive
Well, here we are. Number one. If you anything about me, you know I have a major hard-on for Portal. It's the best game on the XBLA, the best game on the 360, and the best game of this generation. 'Nuff said.

--Chilly P

p.s. I realize that first paragraph was poorly written, but I'm-a leave it as is. It's too garbled to fix at this point.

Portal 2: Sequel of the Century

Go ahead and start this video and listen along while you read this.

Believe it or not, I need another pair of new shorts. My Game Informer finally came in the mail today, and I'm more confident than ever that Valve can follow up the best game of this generation with a winner. Apparently, there was a recent update to the original where a voice thanks you for assuming the party escort submission position after you defeat the game, indicating that Chell becomes recaptured at the end. Portal 2 will star Chell again, and it takes place 100 years after the first game...so I guess Aperture has cryo-chambers of sort.

The game will be a full retail game this time and will feature not one, but two full-length campaigns. The first is the sequel, the second is a completely separate co-op campaign. The co-op campaign will not star Chell, but two biped robots. Valve obviously wanted Chell's story to remain solo, a decision I fully support. Even better, I love that the single-player and co-op campaigns are separate. That way, there isn't the narrative inconsistency seen in co-op Halo games, or the intolerable AI partners seen when playing Gears of War alone. Plus, that's, like, twice as much Portal, and it makes even more sense because a puzzle solvable by one person wouldn't be much of a challenge for two.

They're bringing back the writers from the first game and Jonathan Coultan, writer of "Still Alive." The development team has more than tripled in size, so Valve is really putting all their effort into it now (Since when does Valve release full-length games in 4 consecutive years?). Along with bringing the humor back (which is key), they're also adding a whole mess of new physics-based ways to solve puzzles. One of which is a large suction tube called the "Pneumatic Diversity Vent" which can be used to dispose of turrets (and maybe other enemies?). Put a portal under it and then one on a wall, and the suction physics continue through the portal. If you don't think that sounds awesome, you're dead inside. Notice, also, that the humorous naming continues. I love how everything has a whimsically intimidating name. There's all of these horrifying devices and concepts dressed up in encouraging buzz words. The article also lists new devices like the "Excursion Funnel", the "Thermal Discouragement Beam", and the "Aerial Faith Plate." I'll let you guess what they all mean.

Overall, the article is extremely encouraging, and I suggest picking up a copy if you loved Portal as much as I did. Now, I need to try and do my best not to get overly excited, because I've been let down before. It helps that I don't think it could possibly be better than the first because the first one was just too good. Okay, I need to stop thinking about it before I get myself too hyped up again. Calm down, Chill.

--Chilly P

p.s. I didn't make any references to cake or triumphs this time, aren't you proud of me?